January four, 2018
The president took a break from this week to spend a bit of time within the dump we name the White Home. Trump returned on Monday, as did a renewed dedication to his twitter behavior, which appears aimed toward a) shoring up his base, and b) constructing a case for invoking the 25th modification. Earlier than the president’s psychological well being points grew to become the preeminent voices in his head, he took out an insurance coverage coverage on his doable removing from workplace. The part that acts as a assure in opposition to the danger of removing known as a “rider” by insurance coverage brokers. To the remainder of us, it’s referred to as “Mike Pence.”
Sources say that whereas showing loyal, aside from that complete coup plan, Pence has been quietly constructing a technique to make use of ought to invoking the 25th modification change into doable…err…mandatory. They’ve even gone as far as to debate timing, making an attempt to start out the method late sufficient in 2018 that Pence might serve a full 10 years as president. In reality, sources inform us Pence’s interior circle (which consists primarily of “Mom”) has settled on a technique of assuring conservatives Pence will proceed Trump’s legacy, however with extra stability. Whereas arguably a sound technique, it makes for an extended bumper sticker.
The president’s trip led to inevitable partisan bickering over work ethic and trip time. The sheer quantity of days Trump has stayed away from the White Home, and his selection of opulent places owned by his favourite hotelier, do converse to a mode of ostentatious dwelling hardly ever seen in American presidents. Trump is a person of huge appetites (effectively, besides in cases of data or work). Largely he has an urge for food for 3 issues: shitty meals, golf, and extra golf (significantly with a shitty buffet after).
White Home spokesliar Sarah Huckabee Sanders defended the golfer’s presidenting behavior…err…the president’s behavior, by saying he has established relationships which have benefited the American folks whereas enjoying golf. We’re positive Individuals will likely be thrilled to be taught that our deficit-exploding, huge company tax minimize was ironed out by wealthy white guys on a taxpayer-funded golf junket at an unique nation membership owned by a type of wealthy white guys.
I tah? No, You tah. (Yeah, we went there.)
Talking of wealthy white guys, the US Senate had some main adjustments this week. Orenthal James “Orrin” Hatch introduced that, earlier than shedding all of his dignity (however none of his pension), he’ll retire from the US Senate, a physique to which he was first elected in 1846.
Lately Hatch has change into cantankerous and excessive, whereas pretending to be a statesman. He’s so well-known for this transfer that it’s known as “The Hatch Act.” He’s gone from being simply an asshole to a Trump-supporting asshole, which has affected his relationships within the Senate. Simply final month he tangled with Mr. Working Class, Sherrod Brown, saying he was offended at Brown’s assertion that the Republicans’ huge tax minimize for the rich was a Republican huge tax minimize for the rich. Hatch tried unsuccessfully to out-working-class Brown, a real progressive champion who’s married to the late syndicated cartoonist Charles Schultz. A tough process, as Brown is just a part-time Senator. His full-time job is on the ball bearing plant in Youngstown. After his shift, he’s usually discovered sweeping the ground on the Moose Lodge in trade for a PBR.
Hatch’s retirement strikes Mazie Hirono and Angus King to first and second place for strangest first names within the US Senate. (And to offset the freakish final names within the chamber, the Senate this week welcomed Senators Smith and Jones. Take that Messrs. Boozman, Coons and Schatz.)
*Notice: We apologize for an error within the above caption. The picture depicts a standard white-breasted nuthatch. The Senator, for all his flaws, is an excellent white-breasted nuthatch, not a widespread one.
Hatch’s retirement can be excellent news for former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, who’s broadly regarded as within the seat. Romney’s vehicles personal a storage with an elevator in Utah, giving both the vehicles, or the governor, the authorized proper to run. By noon Tuesday, Romney had edited the situation on his Twitter profile from Massachusetts to Utah. And on Fb he up to date his relationship standing with each states to “it’s sophisticated.” As for Tinder, Romney’s strategy is similar as his strategy to governing — he’ll swipe proper or he’ll swipe left — whichever will make you happier.
Curiously, Romney’s likeliest opponent within the Republican main for the seat is former Massachusetts Senator, NH candidate, and ambassador to one of many Zealands (we imagine “New,” however can’t be certain), Scott Brown. Brown spends each off-cycle desperately searching for states that may be desperately searching for his “management.”
Who’s The Doss..ier?
When Trump is on a Twitter tirade, hypothesis usually turns to discussions about which points are on the horizon from which he could also be diverting consideration. For higher than a yr, one offender has been the famed Fusion GPS report that reveals every part from cash laundering accusations to rumors of Donald Trump’s pet pee…ves.
The Steele File, named after its creator, former British Spy Remington Steele (who was portrayed on tv by the actor Piers Morgan), grew to become essentially the most well-known part of the report. It returned to the information this week as Fusion’s principals authored an op-ed asserting that the file was based upon the drip, drip, drip of actual journalism, and never some kind of stream of consciousness, so to talk.
A Story of Two Shitties
Steve Bannon and Donald Trump lastly had their throbbing, puss-filled zit of a relationship come to a head this week. The duo’s non-public spat spurted into public view when excerpts of a brand new e-book quoted Bannon being very essential of the president’s interior circle and household. Bannon assumed the quotes would by no means be seen by the president, what with them being in a e-book. However they made their technique to Twitter and tv, so Trump certainly noticed them.
It needs to be famous, Bannon was not afraid to go “mano a mano” with the president (although they at all times did it in English). Not like many White Home staffers who feared confrontation, Bannon didn’t exit of his technique to keep away from the president (or “duck l’orange” because the French would say).
The assaults by Bannon offered the nation with an actual drawback. In a combat between Bannon and the Trump household, who do you root for? It might be like a sing-off between Loverboy and Nickelback, with Loverboy being performed by …ummm, let’s simply drop that analogy.
The bombshell e-book additionally alleges that Trump is shedding his thoughts and advised that he has begun forgetting mates. Significantly indicted ones, we’d add.
Talking of forgotten folks, Lawyer Basic Jefferson Beauregard Classes, III has been absent from public view a lot of the previous few weeks. Classes is thought to have had a falling out with the president (extra akin to the fallings out the President had with the Pope and @KatyTurNBC than his fallings out with Kim Jong Un and Steve Bannon). This absence from the general public eye is uncommon for Classes, who was final seen in November when he testified, earlier than a Senate committee, that he’s not racist. Previous to that he was a daily on TV, most not too long ago at his affirmation listening to testifying that he’s not racist. Whereas a Senator, he was ceaselessly on C-Span, denying costs that he was racist. And previous to being a Senator, he was usually on tv, for instance throughout his affirmation hearings to be a federal choose, the place he testified that he was not racist. It’s a acquainted tune. Classes whistling Dixie, so to talk.
We really feel like we’re forgetting one thing. Let’s see…meals combat with Bannon, Trump golfs, Classes is racist…oh yeah…nuclear warfare is imminent!
Placing the MAD in Mutually Assured Destruction
Within the midst of a loopy information week, in a time when the world is fractured, occasions have transpired which have brought on two adversaries and their respective media to return to some settlement on a divisive problem.
North Korea appears to be the distraction of selection by President Trump at any time when some piece of damning information is about to interrupt (roughly 11 occasions per day). When there may be unhealthy information domestically, Trump heats up his rhetoric (twittoric?) in opposition to his mental and diagnostic equal, Kim Jong Un. So Trump retires (God, how we want) to the residence every night time with simply three issues on his thoughts. Properly, 5 in the event you depend weight loss plan cokes and hamburgers…
This week’s tweets have been euphemistic saber fondling, with Trump opting to match button sizes with the Supreme Chief of North Dakota.* This led many pundits to make all kinds of overcompensation jokes. That’s beneath us, and we gained’t have interaction in such childishness.
Apart from, don’t get us fallacious, we like huge buttons, we cannot lie.
*Attributable to poor staffing, this sentence is wrong. Kim Jong Un shouldn’t be the Supreme Chief of North Dakota. That was his father, Kim Jong Il.
Lastly, in different information, it’s official: Subsequent Monday, Alabama and Georgia will likely be competing for the nationwide title. The nationwide title being “States which might be probably much more fucked up than Mississippi.” The early line favors Alabama.
And that’s the best way the weak spent the week in a nation the place we are able to put a person on the moon, however we are able to’t increase Medicaid to 400,000 low revenue folks in Virginia as a result of a movie canister in a bowl has spoken.
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